By Aliaa Hamed
CAIRO: Today marks day 45 after the hardest experience I’ve ever gone through. Losing twin babies, a boy and girl, at 24 weeks. I prefer calling it a loss, not a miscarriage. What many didn’t know is that they were originally triplets, and my gynecologist had recommended getting rid of the third to save the other two early in my pregnancy.
Some of those who wanted to comfort me said, “You were lucky because you didn’t see them” but I was feeling them every day. I imagined how they would look, I almost chose their names, I started writing diaries for them so they would know how I feel for them (and I’m still writing until now.) I was planning for their room, I even decided where I would hang their photos at home.
I used to wait for my gynecologist’s appointment to see them on the ultrasound screen and I tried my best to do whatever I was told to protect them so they arrive safely. So no, I don’t think that I was lucky; I have the same pain of a mother who gave birth to her babies and lost them afterward.
“What happened?” is a question that has been repeated by many people. I really don’t know, and even my doctor doesn’t know. He says it happens but we can’t tell the exact reason. But even if I knew what happened, would that make a difference? At the end of the day I lost them.
I always admired the strength of my mother, how she managed to stand through the hard times she has faced, especially the loss of my elder brother, her only son. I once made a wish that I would have her strength. Maybe my wish came true the hard way.
I’m thankful for those who think I am strong because they see that I have returned to work and I’m laughing and talking. But I’m not that strong, it just happened that I believe in God, I know that everything He does is for a good reason and ISA I will meet them again in heaven.
I’m not strong as you may think, I still cry for them but I try my best so that when this happens it’s not in public, I try to avoid even those closest to me. I’m also lucky to have such great friends and family who surrounded me with their love and care until I was able to stand up again.
Why I write about it now? Because I decided to face it. Now after 45 days my belly’s stretch marks are starting to fade, I no longer have spotting reminding me of what happened (as if I can ever forget), I think I can talk about it although I know that I will keep crying from now and then for this loss and wonder what life would be like if this didn’t happen.
Aliaa Hamed is a journalist with the Shorouk newspaper. The views in the essay above are the responsibility of the author and do not reflect the editorial policy of The Cairo Post.